You Have Cancer - Cancer Doesn't Have You: A Guide to Maintaining Your Identity

Author: Molly Lindquist

Guest post by Mike Linn. Opinions are those of the author.

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you or someone you care about has been diagnosed with cancer.

If not, I applaud your curiosity about survivorship, but find it strange. Regardless of how you got to this piece, it should be fully understood that “you have cancer” is among the most jarring sentences anyone can hear.

The good news is that it’s not all over just because those words have been uttered to you by a medical professional. Cancer treatment and the data behind it is better than ever. But it still remains a harrowing task to get through any sort of diagnosis, treatment, and recovery - and the mental health struggle can be tough for many patients to reconcile.

The Impact of Cancer on Mental Health

It is a given that cancer will stir up some strong feelings. As you learn more about the specifics of your diagnosis and how it might affect your life, the situation can evoke emotions such as:

These and a slew of others will contribute to shaping your experience. Through my three diagnoses and treatment periods, I’ve found that the hardest thing to separate out is your identity as a cancer patient from the rest of your life. But I’ve also come to realize that it’s important to try, and gratifying to succeed, at doing so.

The Identity Crisis of a Cancer Patient

When I was diagnosed with stage IIIC metastatic melanoma at the age of 30, my identity was comprised of strong, vital adjectives. Athlete, scholar, business owner, extrovert - you get the point.

As I descended into the depression of cancer treatment, I shut myself in for a while, and didn’t express my fears to anyone. Months later, as I began to understand the long-term gravity of my diagnosis, I couldn’t shut up about cancer. 

When someone would bring up an ailment or grievance, I couldn’t help myself from interjecting my situation. Even if I was doing it just to feel human and relate a frustration, there’s nothing so deflating to a conversation as Cancer Guy. I would hear myself, see the color drain from a person’s face, and then try to make a joke to mitigate what I had done. It never worked.

Reclaiming Your Identity From Cancer

Being “Cancer Guy” presented a problem.

I needed to express myself, and I needed the support of my family and peers, but I didn’t want to be a downer or take over every conversation. I realized that I would have to align my subconscious with the understanding that while I had cancer, it didn’t have me. It couldn’t infiltrate every nook and cranny of my life, even if my diagnosis was threatening to be persistent (and boy, did that threat see itself through).

As a stage 4 patient now, the progression was (and still is) a work in progress; I talk about cancer more to other patients and family members but have learned not to tell my waitress that my day was bad because I had just been diagnosed with cancer that day, despite being given a couple more chances at it.

More importantly, I’ve learned to distill my need to talk about my diagnosis into conversations that can help me reconcile my situation or relate it when appropriate. Experience has taught me what makes people uncomfortable, and how to phrase things a bit better.

Finally, I’ve come to understand that though I am a chronic cancer patient, my life is defined by what I do in between diagnoses and treatments, even if my opportunities and abilities suffer when I’m most affected by the disease.

Living Beyond Cancer’s Shadow

We all know the existential risk that cancer poses. It would be irresponsible to ignore it, especially for those of us with advanced diagnoses.

But the entire premise of entering treatment is to give us the best chance at a healthier, longer life - both mentally and physically.

So while cancer leaves a lasting impression, it is also just part of what we have experienced in our lives. The friends, family, and achievements we’ve created cannot be taken from us due to a diagnosis. Our passions and routines will hopefully recover alongside our physicality.

Along the way, I implore you to remember that you have cancer, but cancer doesn’t have you. 

Resources for Mental Health Support

Here are a few mental health resources our community has found helpful. If you have any tips for getting through the identity crisis of cancer, leave them in the comments so we can learn from each other.

Our partners at Cancer Hope Network offer peer-to-peer support for cancer patients, caregivers and survivors. Find more information here.

And sign up for access to our "Guide" database, which connects you to support programs from our patient advocacy partners including mental health, peer support, fitness, nutrition and more.

Also Read:

• Role of Radiation Therapy in Palliative Care for the Patient With Cancer
• Can lung cancer be detected early?
• Lung Cancer Cough: What to Know and How to Manage It
• What is Edema and How is it Related to Cancer?
• Taking A Break From Tamoxifen: When, Why and What To Expect

About the author: Mike Linn is a writer, athlete, business owner, and now a cancer patient advocate. He was first diagnosed with stage 3c metastatic melanoma at the age of 30 and had a stage 4 recurrence in 2023 at 35. In a better effort to understand the mental health side of being a cancer patient, he began posting content to social media and support groups and has yet to stop talking about his cancer experience both personally and professionally. Mike also loves candy and is determined to dispel the notion that sugar specifically feeds cancer - or he is at least hopeful that research will prove this.